Possessing Humans: A Guide
by plannedbyReaperLight
Summary: Ryuk, Rem, and Zellogi detail the proper possession, care, and feeding of humans via video blog. Crack. Slight Light x L moment.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is Crack, naturally. Rated for language, some suggestive themes. Slight Light x L moment.

Set in the same AU as Paladin but you don't have to have read it to read this. Quick overview: Ryuk is possessing Light, Rem was possessing Misa and now is possessing Mikami, and Zellogi is possessing Naomi Misora.

* * *

*Tap* *Tap* (a skeletal claw comes in front of the camera)

**Zellogi:** Uh, hello, this thing on?

**Rem:** Okay. (*Displays a crudely handwritten sign: "Possessing Humans: A Guide to the Proper Care, Feeding, and Training of Your Human by Rem, Ryuk, and Zellogi."*) Right, this is a manual for Shinigami possessing humans that Ryuk, Zellogi, and I have come up with…

**Ryuk** (*clears voice, sounds as if reading off a script*): So you've decided to possess a human. Humans can make great pets…They are fiercely independent creatures…

**Rem:** They can be beautiful… or they can also be disgusting and insane…

**Zellogi:** …and completely assured of their self-importance.

**Ryuk:** Let's just say that they are contradictory, violent, and infinitely entertaining.

**Zellogi:** They are also short –lived.

**Rem:** …and it is sometimes sad to see them go.

**Ryuk:** That being said; don't get too attached to your human. The results could be potentially lethal.

**Rem:** Unlike Shinigami, most humans require sleep to function.

**Ryuk:** Though one notable exception to this rule seems to be the human named L Lawliet

**Zellogi:** They also require food. However they can feed themselves.

**Ryuk:** …and if they can't it's not your problem.

**Rem:** Besides, our food makes them sick.

**Zellogi:** Right-o, Cleaning.

**Ryuk:** Your human is perfectly capable of cleaning itself. Indeed it is likely to become irritable if you try to help.

"Ryuk! Get the fuck out of the shower!"

**Rem:** Hmm let's see other care tips…

**Ryuk:** Here's something I've observed if you "play" with your human in the right way, they will bring you back presents… like apples!

**Zellogi:** Or blankies!

**Rem:** Or whatever else you could want or require. Teru gets me this gothic romance series that Misa used to read…

**Ryuk:** Ooh, can I see that when you're done? It's got an apple on the cover!

**Rem:** …and next up mating

**Ryuk: **For some reason, your human will get upset with you if you attempt to watch or film this process…

"OUT! NOW!"

"huh huh… wha—Light-kun?"

"Huh? Oh nothing, Ryuuzaki…"

**Zellogi:** …and as you can see they can do pretty much anything that we're forbidden from doing… it's a shame, really.

**Ryuk:** Oh and another thing that I've noticed… human females tend to be just as violent as Shinigami females…

**Rem:** Say that again, and I'll rip your wings off.

**Zellogi:** Moving on…

**Ryuk:** Finally, the most important detail, in order to possess your human you need to give them a Death Note.

**Rem:** A word of caution, though. If you give your human a Death Note they tend to get really into it…

**Ryuk:** Here we have a rare treat for you; using our hidden cameras (formerly the property of one L Lawliet) we have recorded this behavior in progress.

**Zellogi:** So now sit back and enjoy the soothing sounds of human Death Note owners in their natural habitat:

"You have escaped justice for far too long!"

"Vengeance. IS. MINE!"

"*Giggle, snort* MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"All who oppose Kira shall die!"

"DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!"

"BOOYAH! I AM GOD motherfuckers!"

**Rem:** So you see, given the sample we have to work with it's hard to say if all humans are insane or if it's just the ones that come into contact with us...

"Onii-chan! Have you seen my camcorder?"

**Ryuk:** Uh oh, looks like we have to wrap this up. Until next time…


	2. Chapter 2

**NOTICE**

I apologize in advance for spamming and I apologize to everyone who thought they were getting an update. I usually don't do the whole author note chapter thing but I thought it was the best way to get the word out before my account get deleted.

After ten years of no enforcement is suddenly going to start enforcing a "no sex and violence" policy:  
www . change petitions / fanfiction – net – stop – the – destruction – of – fanfiction – net ? utm_campaign =friend _ inviter _ modal & utm_medium = facebook&utm _ source = share_petition

I'm here frequently on but I only just heard about this, so I figured it was important to get the word out.

I checked and the only warning on I could see was a single note on 's homepage:  
"June 4th 2012 - Notices: ◦Please note we would like to clarify the content policy we have in place since 2002. follows the Fiction Rating system ranging from Fiction K to Fiction M. Although Fiction Ratings goes up to Fiction MA, since 2002 has not allowed Fiction MA rated content which can contain adult/explicit content on the site. only accepts content in the Fiction K through Fiction M range. Fiction M can contain adult language, themes and suggestions. Detailed descriptions of physical interaction of sexual or violent nature is considered Fiction MA and has not been allowed on the site since 2002."

I know I don't exactly comb through mine for content and just rate it all M. But no doubt the vague descriptions of gay sex within these stories will offend the moral guardians.

Though I have to wonder what's left after you delete all the stories with sex and violence. There goes the Death Note fandom! And what about a fandom like... Saw?

If you don't think this applies to you then ask yourself, does your story:

Have action scenes?

Have romance scenes?

Mention a song?

**If you answered yes to any of those it is at risk of deletion.**

Or to put it another way would your story make a good episode of Sesame Street?

If yes you're probably safe but if no you may want to consider copying it over to another site.

Even if you don't think this applies to you it's still a good idea to have backups and considering they're going to suddenly start cracking down now after ten years of nothing they may be overzealous in their censorship. It would be a shame if a beautiful story is lost forever just because it says a naughty word.

So please move your stuff, copy your favorites before this goes into effect!

Some suggested sites:

livejournal . com

archiveofourown . org

deviantart . com

adultfanfiction . net

As for me, I will continue to write and update my stories—just not on fanfiction . net.

You can find me on Livejournal and archiveofourown. org as reaperlight and plannedbyreaperLight on deviantart . com

I would like to thank everyone, all of my readers and reviewers, for all their help and support and all the other writers out there keep on writing awesome stories!


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